Futurama x Star Wars crossover fic
by Poulsen
Summary: The PE crew is transported to the Star Wars universe and lands in Mos Eisley, Tatooine. Will they survive in the most wretched hive of scum and villany they'll ever find? Oneshot.


**Author's note: Hi all, this is my first Futurama story (hopefully there'll be more in the future ;d ), written some months ago for one of my university classes. All comments are appreciated, especially those concerning the language side of the story (I'm not a native speaker of English), so please review! - Poulsen**

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"_A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."_

_-_ o -_  
_

"How's it possible you've never seen _Star Wars_?"

Fry and Leela were in Planet Express Ship's cargo hold, checking today's delivery list. Or rather Leela was checking the list, counting crates and boxes scattered across the room, every now and then consulting an electronic clipboard she had with her. Fry followed her here simply because he had nothing better to do at the moment.

"For your information Fry, no living person has seen those movies." replied the cyclops, counting barrels of tonic water. "Ok, six barrels for the people of Gin Nebula, that's the last item on the list."

"Why, were they banned, like _Star Trek_?"

"No, all _Star Wars_ recordings were destroyed in the Intergalactic Nerd-Geek War of 2336. Didn't you read that history book I gave you?"

"No, I only looked at the pictures." answered Fry, who was now trying to guess the contents of one of the smaller boxes by shaking it and listening to the sounds it produced. Leela sighed and snatched the box away from him.

"Anyway, what's so special about _Star Wars_ that you miss them so much?" she asked, putting the package back on its place.

"Everything! There were space battles, the Death Star, the Force, lightsabers, Darth Vader! It was the ultimate space saga, better even than _Star Trek_! It set up new standards for sci-fi movies!..."

Leela blinked in surprise. She'd never seen him so excited before, not even when they met the original _Star Trek_ cast. He went on about it for good five minutes, and she was just about to interrupt him when suddenly he fell silent.

"What's that?" the redhead said, looking at a strange device sitting in the far corner of the cargo hold.

Leela looked at her clipboard, not very surprised by the sudden change of the topic.

"A special delivery for an amusement park somewhere in the Horse Head Nebula. It's a simulator of some sort that Professor constructed a couple of years ago and then forgot he even had it."

"Cool. What does it simulate exactly?"

"I have no idea. Professor told me it's perfectly safe, so you'd most probably die if you tried to use it. Now let's go, it'll be a long trip and I don't want to miss that blernsball match this evening."

She turned around and left without waiting for him. He stared at the machine for a moment with an oddly thoughtful expression on his face. There was a small book titled "User's Manual" lying on the top of the device. Fry looked cautiously around and put it into his pocket.

* * *

"I swear to God, next time those two drunks organize a drinking championship, I'm gonna kill them, repair them, and then kill them again." Leela muttered under her breath. The autopilot was so drunk that she was forced to sit at the helm instead of taking a well-deserved nap. _Thank God the only thing left to deliver is this stupid simulator_, she thought, _it's only an hour's worth of flight from where we are now._

She heard the door behind her seat open. Fry came in and took his usual place at the tactical console. After a minute or two of looking at the stars passing by the ship he broke the silence.

"Bender is lying unconscious on our cabin's floor. Another drinking contest with the autopilot?"

"Don't even remind me," answered Leela, "I swear to God, next time those two drunks organize a..."

Suddenly, there was a loud "pop!" like the sound of a cheap champagne being opened. For a fraction of a second they were surrounded by blackness accompanied by static. Then, with another "pop," everything went back to normal. Sort of.

"What the..." they said in unison. Through the ship's windshield they could see twin suns that, Leela was pretty sure, should not be there. The navigational console went nuts, screaming repeatedly in its mechanical voice "Lost coordinates" and "Does not compute."

"Fry, make this junk shut up!"

"I'm on it!... What the hell just happened!"

"How should I know? There weren't any systems with twin stars on our course! We must've hit a dormant wormhole or some other anomaly!"

"What will we do?"

"Calm down." said the cyclops, though more to herself than to her friend, "It looks like our navigational system is fried. We need to land and see if we can fix it."

"There's a habitable planet on the long-range scanner. There's even a city with a space port!" said the man, looking at his console's display. Leela tightened her grip on the controls.

"Alright, we'll land there. Go to your cabin and see if Bender's up."

* * *

When they finally landed, despite practically nonexistent flight control and incompatible auto-landing systems, no one greeted them at the docking bay. The whole place seemed strange, at least to Leela. Bender, as usual, did not care much for such things, and Fry seemed to be too deep in thought to notice anything.

"It seems that there's no damage, except for the navigation, and the planet's atmosphere is just like on earth, only much drier, probably because of those twin suns. We can go outside and look for some help." said Leela.

There was no answer. Bender was smoking his cigar, and Fry was staring into space.

"I said, we can go outside and-"

"Oh my God, it worked!" exclaimed Fry, "Leela, it worked!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I know where we are! We're in Mos Eisley, on Tatooine!"

"Say what?" that was Bender's voice.

"I had a feeling that all of these strange things seemed familiar – the suns, this planet, the docking bay – and then it struck me. We were transported to the _Star Wars_ universe!"

"And how exactly did it happen, meatbag?"

Fry remained silent for a moment, glancing at Leela anxiously. She had a really bad feeling about this.

"The thing is that I, um," Fry broke the silence finally, "I kinda tried to use this simulator thingie we have in the cargo bay."

Leela sighed loudly. She knew she should be mad, but she also knew she should have seen it coming.

* * *

"According to the manual, we're in a mentalrealm based on Fry's memories about the movie. The device started working with a delay because it needed some time to process them and prepare the simulation."

"So we're inside Fry's mind? Man, I'm gonna need a lot of counseling after that."

"Quit it, Bender. Now, it says here that the user specifies how long the simulation will last. Fry?"

"Gee, I'm not sure, I mean, I pushed that button over there several times, but I didn't really pay much attention to it."

Leela rolled her eye. Why didn't it surprise her?

"There's no clock on the machine, so I guess we have to wait until the whole thing ends."

"I'm cool with this." said Bender, "Now, do we have any olives left?"

His head produced an unhealthy clang when Leela smacked him.

"You are _not_ having another drinking contest! Were gonna-"

"Leela?" interrupted Fry, "can we go see the city?"

She turned her face to look at him, her eye narrowed. The whole situation was starting to get on her nerves.

"We're not on a trip to Luna Park, dammit! We don't even know how long we're gonna be here! And what if we go too far from the device to be brought back to our world when the simulation ends? You want to spend the rest of your life in this place?"

"Relax, we still have several hours. Plus, it could be the only chance to see Mos Eisley in my life! Pleeeease!"

Fry looked like he was going to cry. Leela sighed quietly. She was going to regret this.

"Alright. But only for one hour." she said with emphasis.

"Yes! You're the best, Leela!"

* * *

"I must admit, this place looks really impressive. It's hard to believe all of this is based on your memories."

The Planet Express crew was walking down a sandy street. Everywhere they looked were crowds of people of all species, races and genders, speaking in dozens of more or less comprehensible languages. Every now and then a landspeeder or other typically star-wars-ish vehicle passed by them, producing a cloud of desert dust.

"Well, I did see the movie over thirty times before I got frozen." said Fry with a hint of pride in his voice, "I still don't know why you brought this gun with you. It's perfectly safe here."

"Oh, is it?" answered Leela, "I seem to remember you saying something about this place being the most wretched hive of scum and villainy I will ever find. Plus, everyone here carries a weapon. Just look at those guys!"

She pointed to a small group of heavily armed men clad in white armors. Fry's eyes widened in fear as he quickly dragged his friends in the opposite direction.

"What's your problem, skintube?"

"Trust me Bender, you don't want to meet those guys." the redhead answered quietly, looking nervously over his shoulder.

After a moment the stormtroopers were out of sight. Fry relaxed, and the group could continue their walk undisturbed. They were now getting closer to the outskirts of the city, where traffic was much lighter. Suddenly, something drew Fry's attention.

"Hey, I know this music. Guys, this is the cantina from the movie!"

"You mean, a bar? Finally something for me, Bender."

Leela glanced at the entrance to the cantina. It did not look very welcoming, but after all the crazy stuff that happened today she could really use a drink. There was just one problem.

"Hold your horses, gentlemen. As far as I know, we don't have any local money."

"Heh, good thing I found this then!" said the robot, showing them a weirdly-looking wallet.

"And where exactly did you find it?" Leela narrowed her eye.

"In a pocket of a guy who looked like Indiana Jones." replied Bender with a fairly good approximation of a shrug, "But who cares, let's go get smashed!"

* * *

"Blast it! Chewie, we have to go back, I left my wallet at the ship."

The wookiee, obviously displeased, answered with a series of growling, shrill noises.

"I know, I could swear I took it. Let's move, before Jabba's thugs spot us."

They entered the cantina, stopping near the entrance to let their eyes adjust to the dark interior. The bartender noticed them and yelled, pointing at Bender.

"Hey, you there! No droids here!"

"Oh snap, I totally forgot!" Fry slapped his forehead, "They don't allow robots in here."

"Bite my shiny metal ass, meatbag, I ain't going anywhere!"

"Shut up, Bender." said Leela, frowning, "Give me the cash and wait for us outside. We'll bring you some booze on our way out."

Angry as he was, the robot knew he could not argue with her without having his ass kicked. He tossed the wallet to the woman and stomped away, throwing his hands in the air and yelling something about this universe sucking bozons.

"Now, since you know this place, go and get us some drinks. I'm gonna look for a table."

"Yes captain." replied Fry with a mock-salute.

* * *

Bender leaned against the wall near the entrance to the tavern, muttering curses under his breath. He took a cigar out of his chest compartment and lit it, watching an old landspeeder stop a few steps from him. An old man, a blond guy and two robots entered the cantina. Bender took a long draw on his cigar and waited for the robots to be kicked out. Sure enough, after a few moments they reappeared in the entrance.

"The skintubes didn't want you there too, huh?" he said to them. Not a thing he would typically do, but if there was something he believed in, it was the solidarity with other robots mistreated by those squishy jerkwads.

"Why indeed sir. They said droids are not welcome there. Of course, not that I would want to go in such a place under my own will." said the taller of the robots, a golden android.

"Say what?"

"Well, sir, I do not see any reason why a droid would like to go into a tavern."

The smaller robot, looking pretty much like a white trash can on wheels, supported his friend with a series of beeps and whistles.

"No reason? What about booze? And hookers?"

"I'm afraid I don't quite understand, sir." said the android apologetically.

"That's it, I'm coming back to the ship!" yelled Bender, "What kind of a sick world is this?"

"Oh my, there is no need to..."

"Shove it, goldie! Just don't talk to me! Man, I hope the autopilot is sober!"

He stomped away, literally angry with rage. The two droids watched him until he disappeared in the distance.

"Now look what you did R2. You made him angry."

* * *

Fry was proud of himself. He not only managed to avoid brawls with drunk aliens sentenced to death in twelve systems, but also bought two mugs of Correllian ale, which, he was pretty sure, wasn't poisonous to humans.

He stopped for a moment to look around and try to locate Leela, when someone bumped into him from behind, fortunately not strong enough to cause him to spill the ale. Cautiously, he turned around to see who it was, and froze. _It's him_, he thought, _it's them! Omigod what should I do?_

"I'm sorry my lad. I should have watched where I was going." said an old man in a loose, brown cloak. Behind him stood a blond guy, glancing around uneasily.

An idea began to form in Fry's mind._ Ok, stay calm. Don't blow it._

"No problem." said the redhead, "Say, you need transport? I haven't got a job for quite a long time, and I would gladly leave this planet already."

"What a fortunate coincidence." replied the old man, "We've just been looking for a ship. A fast ship, of course."

"Oh, it would be hard to find a faster vessel than mine! We made the Kessel run in twelve parsecs." Fry stopped for a moment, "Come to think of it, a parsec is actually a unit of distance, not time."

"What?" the blond guy asked.

"Never mind. If you're interested, meet me in an hour in the docking bay forty-nine."

"We'll be there. One more thing, young man. How much will it cost?"

"Well, two humans and two droids, to Alderaan, I would say 'bout two thousand credits."

"Very well."

"Great. See you in an hour then. I'll go and inform my crew."

The delivery boy smiled and walked away to look for Leela. Leela! Suddenly, he felt very cold despite the heat of the room. _She'll kill me when she finds out what I've just done!_ he thought as he put the mugs on their table.

"Took you long enough." she said, giving him a sideways glance.

He smiled sheepishly, but said nothing.

_Eh, things will work out somehow. They always do. After all, what can happen?

* * *

_

On the other side of the room, the two men were walking to the exit. Suddenly, the younger one broke the silence.

"Wait a minute, how did he know we have droids with us? And that we're going to Alderaan?"

They didn't have much time to talk about it. After all, they had less than one hour to sell the landspeeder so they could pay for the flight. They waited for the droids to get into the vehicle and drove away.

Neither of them noticed a cloaked figure watching them from a dark doorway across the street.

* * *

"Hey, where's Bender?"

"Wait, I'll check his position on this thing I wear on my wrist."

Fry gave his captain a quizzical look. Leela glanced at him, slightly embarrassed.

"After the last time he went on a drinking spree I installed a transmitter in his foot. You know, just in case. A-ha! Everything's fine, he's in the ship."

"Great. Let's go then, we don't have much time."

"Much time for what?" asked the cyclops, immediately getting suspicious.

"Um, before the simulation ends? It's been quite a long time since it started, we must be nearing to the end."

"I sure hope so." said Leela, relaxing, but not entirely. After all these years working with Fry, she could sense when he was up to something, "Is there something you want to tell me?"

"What? No, of course not. Well, maybe except that you look great today." he winked, smiling seductively. The woman rolled her eye.

"Stop it, Fry. Now let's get going already."

* * *

Two men and two droids waited by the docking bay's gate. The side street leading to it was completely deserted, save for a couple of desert rats lurking it the shadows.

"I don't like this, Ben. That man knew too much about us. What if he's an imperial agent?"

"I sensed no evil in him, Luke." replied the old man, "But there was something peculiar about him, I admit."

The smaller droid produced a worried whistle. The man called Ben looked at the number '49' painted on the gate.

"Anyway, we don't have a choice. No other pilot agreed to take us where we're going."

They stood there in silence, waiting. None of them noticed a cloaked person hiding in the shadows. Slowly, to avoid startling the rats, the figure took out a communication device and began to whisper into the mouthpiece.

* * *

The cantina band was playing an up-tempo piece. Han Solo took a sip from his glass.

"Call me crazy, Chewie, but I have a feeling that we should be somewhere else right now."

* * *

A frown appeared on Leela's face when she saw a group of people standing by the gate leading to her ship. She held up her left hand to silence Fry, who was babbling something about the battle of Endor, and unholstered her laser pistol with the right one. She had a really bad feeling about this.

"You know these people, Fry?"

"What? No, of course not. I'm sure they just-"

He was caught in the middle of his lie when the old man waved and began to speak.

"Hello, my friend. I see you're a punctual man."

"What is the meaning of this?" demanded Leela, scowling at the delivery boy.

Before Fry could formulate an answer, the old man spoke again.

"This young man agreed to take us to Alderaan in his ship. Is there a problem?"

"Oh, there are several." Leela turned her eye away from her friend who, surprisingly enough, did not burst into flames under her stare, "First, it's my ship, not his. Second, he's an idiot. Third-"

"There they are. Seize them." a slightly mechanical voice interrupted her. Behind them, a dozen of white-armored, well-armed men were walking in their direction.

"Stormtroopers! Everybody, to the ship!" yelled Fry. Before Leela could react he hit the button opening the gate and the strangers rushed towards the ship. The stormtroopers immediately started shooting. She cursed and returned fire as she followed Fry and the rest.

* * *

Inside the docking bay, Bender was leaning casually against the ship's front landing gear, smoking a cigar. He did not move when the gate opened and the others ran in, not even when laser bolts began to fly around his head.

"Bender! Throw this bucket into the ship!" yelled Leela, crouching beside him and motioning towards R2-D2 with her gun.

"Nah, maybe later." He was about to take another draw on his cigar when a stray shot blasted it into tiny shreds, "Alright, sheesh, you don't have to be so rude!" He walked over to the small droid and threw it into the ship, not bothering to be gentle.

Leela waited until everyone was on board, then climbed up the ship's gangway and ran to the bridge. Once in her seat, she pressed the emergency take-off button located beside the controls. The ship hovered above the ground as the landing gear retracted into its hull, and then shot up towards the sky.

"Whew, that was close." said Fry.

"It's not over yet." replied the old man.

He was right. In front of the ship, on the rapidly blackening sky, they could see distant triangular silhouettes of imperial stardestroyers, surrounded by swarms of TIE fighters.

"We're boned." Bender stated the obvious.

* * *

_I'd never think I'll be killed by an evil Empire from a thousand-year-old sci-fi movie,_ thought Leela as she struggled with the ship's controls, trying to shake their pursuers off. Behind her she could hear Fry firing the laser cannon in her ship's defense turret. The small vessel shook from a near explosion.

_We're not gonna make it. There's too many of them._

Another explosion, then a piercing sound of an alarm. They lost shields. One more hit, and they we'll be more dead than Professor's lab monkeys.

Suddenly, there was a loud "pop," like the sound of a cheap champagne being opened. Then, she was enveloped by darkness.

* * *

With another "pop," everything went back to normal. The normal normal. The imperial ships were gone, and so was the old man, the blond guy, the strange robots. Planet Express Ship was drifting through the vacuum of space, its engines silent. Leela leaned back in her seat and closed her eye.

"Leela! They're all gone! We're back in our universe!" shouted Fry through the intercom.

She unfastened her seatbelts. For a long time, she remained silent.

"Leela?" the delivery boy asked, a note of worry in his voice.

"I'm here, Fry. I'm here."

* * *

"I'm beginning to understand why they got rid of those movies."

"I hear you, eyeball. Bars that don't allow robots? That's just evil. Even Robot Devil himself wouldn't come up with something more evil."

The crew was standing at the bow of the ship, watching through the windshield as the simulator drifted slowly towards a nearby star.

"They weren't so bad." said Fry.

"Oh really?" Leela raised her eyebrow.

"Yeah. Ok, so we almost got killed there, I admit it. But was it different from most of our deliveries?"

"Didn't you hear what I said, bloodsack? Bars. That. Don't. Allow. Robots. Ah, screw this. I'm outta here." said Bender and walked out of the bridge, taking a bottle of Old Fortran out of his chest compartment.

The captain and the delivery boy stood there for a couple of minutes, silent.

"Heh" Fry chuckled, "I remember a similar scene from _Battlestar Galactica_... With a window and people staring at something drifting through space."

"_Battlestar_ what?" Leela tilted her head slightly to a side.

"You know, that sci-fi show? A rival of _Star Trek_?"

"Never heard of it."

"What? How's it possible you've never heard of..."

FIN.


End file.
